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October 12 On growing old and lifeGrowing old is this: you come to a point when u stop listening to the current hits and prefer the pop songs of your youth.
And life is this: that it'd rather be rounded than big or small, long or tall. : )
I am the most blessed girl on earth because tonight i have been given truth and sobering light.
Indeed God gives us the best presents. October 06 imba! me imba! imba imba! hahahaeffrey- says: so you know that piece? zinny: je ne veux pas travailler says: mmm sorta zinny: je ne veux pas travailler says: i like his water music zinny: je ne veux pas travailler says: or was it haydn jeffrey- says: i prefer that one jeffrey- says: i have some water music jeffrey- says: ah yeah true, very popular one, if i know the tune lol zinny: je ne veux pas travailler says: must say zinny: je ne veux pas travailler says: this one is really nice! jeffrey- says: i'm imba lah zinny: je ne veux pas travailler says: i am super imba then zinny: je ne veux pas travailler says: haa jeffrey- says: nah, you are still young padawan October 04 Becuz it's spring
Because it is spring, it's my season of romance, life and love, i would choose to lay it all down. And start anew. Because it is spring, i would choose forgiveness and freedom and let winter bury its past. And because it is spring, i would choose to open my heart and soul : )
September 21 the dark underbelly of crimeJust now, i was in the car chatting with karen, and i saw this sneaky looking dude get out of a car, and he looked SO sneaky that....it was really obvious he was going to steal or do something crappy, but i thought he was just going to shoot up in the alley, so i didn't take much further notice. Boy was that a bad decision, because, it turned out later that we heard a scream from a girl, and the last thing i saw was him running away from a girl, snatching her bag, back into the same car.
THAT freaked me out, becuase we were right outside of arrow. and if that happens on this street like that, i am not sure what's the deal. It just seems like. melbourne is not that safe anymore. . . . . September 20 musingsDuring class yesterday, my tutor made a mention of some laws in the US. So she says... the only legitimate sexual position granted legal by Washington is the missionary position. For a long while, my mind was struggling to make sense of this: you mean, only missionaries are 'legal' in the US and not homosexuals or heterosexuals? I can't believe the US being that conservative! and what sort of sexual position is that of a missionary anyway? A missionary is most definitely serving God and people, not neccessary married etc. what sexual discourse is that?...... ... 0.0
Then it hit me....oh, u mean, during sex, the position that one takes.... what is the missionary position anyway? But i am not going to expound on that ( i googled it). Anyway should i be happy or sad that i am still this obtuse when it comes to such affairs?
September 10 BornHmmm, i've been having a fixation with this word recently anyway because, firstly i spelt it wrong in class, and my students were quick to pick it up. ;p urghs.
But tattered pride and embarrassment aside, many things have struck my mind recently.
The first 2 are about animals from my train journeys back and fro to school. One day when i was gazing out of the windows of a train, another one pulled in alongside ours, and it was a vline train, one that comes in from the country. well far off places. haha, and i saw a mesh of feathers stuck to the windscreen (mm well, can we call them windscreens?) But you know what i mean, and i wonder, do birds ever get hit by trains? unexpectedly while flying in fornt of one going at full speed?
On the same day, while coming back, i just happened to look out into the fields next to a river again, when really to my utter amazement i saw wild rabbits! For some weird reason, i felt insanely happy that wild rabbits still exists. Heee, indeed, wild rabbits are real. :)
Then on the same day, ha! we watched born into brothels at Greg's house. i could feel the word staring in my face. B-O-R-N. But yet again, me aside, the film really struck me. i dont think i will be ever contented with life again... It would be farce to say that i am wanting to help those people even now. Because even though i dislike my middle class contrived facade of a life sometimes, us playing at our games of survival while some people out there are really trying to survive, i cannot say i have what it takes to despise something, it would be too presumptous on my part when i am still enjoying the luxuries of such a life right? yet, i don't know whether i will be ever contented just here. I know i enjoyed myself immensely at the grammar school but when it comes down to the boil, i doubt even little charlotte can keep me there, i would feel as if i am imprisoned, and even now, at a public school with poor facilities, i am gradually feeling the same, that it's not enough, even though yes the kids definitely are not as wealthy and perhaps need guidance and sound loving hands, but essentially it's nothing compared to what i saw in the film. I'ts sad when some are given choices and choose to not treasure them while others will never ever have a chance, i guess it's this that i want. To go to the children that don't stand a chance, where education is their only chance. i think there lies my passion.
But i wonder how will i manage, being brought up the way i am. I think my mother could bear it, she probably can bear everything, though she was brought up even wealthier than me which is quite something since well it's nothing to do with wealth and all to do with wealth that she is remarkably good at taking hardships. But that's probably to do with her upbringing as well.
I dont remember us being poor, even as kids, we lived in a fairly well sized apartment though with our cousins, before we shifted and it was still happy, we got many things, and we even went out to dinners at hotels and places with valet parking. i remember when i was kid, i saw my dad's bank balances at least one of them, it was 20k and i was very shocked, so i asked him whether we have enough to send me to uni, (though we were living in a large house with a large garden ) he was very amused and said 'i hope, mmmm, i think we shld be able to scrape enough' and even when he's not alive now, we are really not exactly poor, we are far above that bracket, But i think we have lost something, we are too used to money, to be the thing that fulfils us, we are rich young rulers, unable to relinquish all. But in essence, if not for God, i firmly believe we could very well be somewhere we are not used to, as well, none of my father's assets were gurranteed to be profitable, the worst thing was that he made no will because he did not think he would die. All our properties were not in the best locations and not the best condition, the company turned out to be a liability than anything else, and all the estates' worth were in property which were tied up with the government then, which still raised the estate tax bracket high up . But God stirred us through these tight spaces, whirpools of confusion and grief. Essentially He gave a strength and a hope to see us through and this matters more than whatever provision. But, i wonder how i can understand someone who has only perhaps a briefcase of things to live with, to call his own or has no bank, no money whatsoever, that life and perspective with what i've had.
i wonder i wonder i wonder. firstly i wonder if my mom might kill me when she realises this is how i will build my career, oh well, it's up to God and her. But as for me, i don't think i can stand a life that typical.
I want to fall in love. With some people somewhere that will need what God has given me. desperately. August 28 Knees to the earthWell firstly in the kaleidescope of myriad events that have managed to enmesh themselves in my life recently, i must firstly proclaim that i've sold out.
Sould out. Big time. How did it happen? Well at first, i was supposed to watch just a musical with good girlfriens, about the melbourne model. I was quite astounded that they put up literally such a musical when the posters caught my eye outside of uni. 0.0 And inside i swore i wouldn't watch something like that, But oh ell, good girlfriend whose friend is putting up the play called me, most good girlfriends are going, mmmm. maybe, after all who doesn't lament the demise of attempts at sound education. Deep serious, UNI stuff, great for intellectuals like myself.
Then all it took was david and his excited phone calls about firstly a free movie, and then a movie premiere, and then brendan fraser, and then i just ditched my prearranged date, friends, intellectual and meaningful, perhaps deep and perhaps funny (very) night of a musical, to stand in some special box with him and justin waiting with some other invited guests for a no-turning up brendan fraser, and then watching some weird man sign autographs, seeing some random neighbours( according to david) stars, and then finally being ushered into the theatre with well a little red carpet treatment that was laden with chocolate and spring water. Well that was the only good thing about it. Later they had random lion dances and finally did BF turn up with this noob and it was .... Sad that they didn't even stay for the whole show. SO. what do i gather? well i am very shallow, popular culture indoctrinated, disgusted by the whole movie and myself, and still wondering if the musical was any good. I skipped a sound musical with good causes for an unsound movie with no cause, whatsover. I hate hollywood period. Till the next hugh jackman show come out, or perhaps the next batman. (I must say i give it up to PJ, who stoutly declined to stay true to his intellect, depth and batman love by rejecting david with a simple ' get me christian bale, and i will run'. And what does that leave me? a sad little fangirl, who is easily star struck, easy for the sell, I mean Brendan Fraser? BRENDAN FRASER> is he even worth me walking out of the house? SIGH But was it worth it? hahaha, YES! because it was so lame, that it made me laugh again, The BAD script, very BAD.
anyway i have hit this big time wall, and it's so high that i can't see anything beyond it, i wonder if that's case, or that it's been there all this time, the door and i've never tried walking out. I so wonder. And i think this wall is named Xinyan, it's too high to scale.
Though i walk through valleys low
i fear no evil
by the waters still my soul
my heart will trust in you
Oh Saviour, how i need saving, the battles between gods and demons are fought within my soul day and night, the capacity for hell and heaven all laid out in front of me. Such knowledge is too daunting and heavy for me to carry, what is there within me that i can stand on?
Have a little faith girl, have a little faith. After all, it's that light out of the darkness. So candle burning bright, falter as you might, lead me out of the night, where perhaps i must learn to take flight. fly fly fly on his wings, help me fly with you Oh Jesus. i just want no more walls between us.
August 03 You have been on my mind For Sarah.
You've been on my mind,
you'll be in my heart.
originally i thought i could make it quite short, quite sweet, quite easy. But it still comes to this, when it comes down to grief, i am still clueless, no matter what has happened with my dad, and with ruxiang, i think, something in me still doesn't know how to take this. Maybe somethings have changed, i dont' ask Why God, anymore, i don't struggle with Him to figure out the complexities of understanding. But it hurts like a slow poison, grief. It is a process, that i dont' think i will get used to.
But i think we are the lucky ones, at least we have learnt what is really important to us in this life, and what will be in the next. At least we were given a chance to see, which is more than what some others get, wrapped in a bubble of presumed safety but emptiness driving most of their lives. Maybe just maybe, we are the ones who have gotten our miracles, our blessings, our reality through this pain that we had to go through, through losing, we won.
'the stars, tell me that there's something more, there's gotta be something more than just.'
'life?'
'yeah'
'are you afraid?'
'of dying? no i am not, but of time, i am, i am scared i will run out of it, and never get to find out, who i am, what's my place in this world, yes, that i am afraid of.'
Bailey- sisterhood of the travelling pants. July 17 Sad eyesSad Eyes
Every day here you come walking I hold my tongue, I don't do much talking You say you're happy and you're doin' fine Well go ahead, baby, I got plenty of time Sad eyes never lie Sad eyes never lie Well for awhile I've been watching you steady Ain't gonna move 'til you're good and ready You show up and then you shy away But I know pretty soon you'll be walkin' this way Sad eyes never lie Sad eyes never lie Baby don't you know I don't care Don't you know that I've been there Well if something in the air feels a little unkind Don't worry darling, it'll slip your mind I know you think you'd never be mine Well that's okay, baby, I don't mind That shy smile's sweet, that's a fact Go ahead, I don't mind the act Here you come all dressed up for a date Well one more step and it'll be too late Blue blue ribbon in your hair Like you're so sure I'll be standing there Sad eyes never lie Sad eyes never lie Sad eyes never lie Sad eyes never lie
I happen to think that this is a great hit and also, happen to kind of like the enrique version, so don't ask me why! But i guess i can be a closet enrique fan haha! Well it was a Bruce Springsteen classic, so it is good! haha. July 14 You are not for sale, i am not for sale, neither are theyThere is a cause i am very passionate about. And it's about slavery, that exists still in this day and age.
As the bible teaches. seek ye not justice in the world but never cease to live it. Perhaps i have arrived to a point when i realise, it's not really about what state the world is in, how much injustice reeks in every corner, but live it to the extent that you most possibly can.
This is my very own bid to live it out.
And i've only just begun to open up my eyes to see what is Really happening in our world today.
July 09 christian bale makes zinny squeal. and so does top gear.Paik {Certainty} says: i love christian bale as well zinny loves christian bale says: zinny loves christian bale says: we are good friends now zinny loves christian bale says: pats pats Paik {Certainty} says: yey! Paik {Certainty} says: what u doing now? Paik {Certainty} says: r u googling christian bale pictures? zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: i am! zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: omg zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: he's married zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: he's a good man zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: haha Paik {Certainty} says: haha Paik {Certainty} says: yea zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: with a daughter zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: awwww zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: niceeee zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: i like guys like that zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: like hugh jackman zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: haha Paik {Certainty} says: he's wife is like some weird yugoslav or something Paik {Certainty} says: Paik {Certainty} says: christian bale killed hugh jackman in the prestige zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: i know zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: haha zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: who cares zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: i MUST watch prestige zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: i won't stop drooling Paik {Certainty} says: hahah zinny loves christian bale n samuel siow says: BOTH Paik {Certainty} says: ei u watch batman u better shut up k
this convo is the effect after paik watched a movie with a group of friends that included zinny watching a trailer that included HUGH JACKMAN IN A TUX, the effect of cos. made. her. make . noises. she then saw. batman trailer. and for the first time, she saw Christian Bale . so . the story goes.....Paik's a huge fan of batman btw. July 07 i rememberi remember in an anthropology class once, my lecturer came in with all sorts of detergents and cleaning liquids, with a charming and charismatic smile, pronounced that the human condition is redeemed in cleaning and arranging, distress and stress can be met with cleaning! and more cleaning! i loved that lecture, probably because this lecturer was like shrek, and very real, as well as funny, his wife was due anytime in labour so he was not totally with it in life. A few things that i was thinking about recently, how much i absolutely love cleaning now, arranging and rearranging my things, to give me a sense of release from this mundanity and stress trap, and how men will never be men until they become a father.
i wonder how many of us are actually with it in life? i am totally not with it right now in my life. in fact a quick getaway to anywhere will probably not solve anything but it might ease life a little bit for me. i miss, being you know, carefree, being totally unhindered by the stakes and risks that i feel that each step is bringing me to. growing up, is of course, not without its perks, for one thing, i feel i am more and more powerful, there are many things within my control, many things my worldliness and knowledge are able to command and tease into obedience. But because of this, i feel more and more powerless, perhaps this power is not really power, perhaps i was seduced into thinking for a moment, that i could be mistress of my own life, but, i do not predict i am going to be in charge for long. For one thing, i have been restless, for a long while, for another, i am not satisified with the current state of my existence. maybe i am facing an existential crisis, maybe it's just one of those days, but the pms has been long gone, and so should this raw ache in my heart.
what really is the matter xinyan? why are you so troubled my soul? why so downcast? perhaps it's really time to grow up, i feel as if, with the tides of change that are coming in this season, things will never be the same again forever. i wish God, You will come and take away those things that are really unworthy and useless in my life, crush and destroy the things my silly pride have long been entrenched in, and polish the little things that You think are worth my time in this life. May You do something useful with my life as it is right now, as low as it may be, May You change something in the balance, tip the scales, let me know that whatever fear it may be, my destiny is unstoppable, in Your hands and Your time.
you know something interesting? this little boy i taught one day was talking to me in class, and suddenly he said 'DO you believe in destiny?' and i was like ' of course! ' and then he said 'Do you believe in luck then?' and i said 'well no. because i think things happen for a reason' and he said ' YES ! YES ! YES! YES! i believe in that too! i don't believe in luck and i don't believe that u are just lucky, i think that things are happening because there's a reason! that's destiny isn't it!' and inside i was smiling and thinking ' i wonder...if you can believe in destiny without first believing that there's something bigger than you out there in this world.'
July 05 wondering whyIf you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life"
why. am . i. getting. this. for . devotions twice. in. a. row.? whyyyy
I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go And help us to be wise, in times when we don't know Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace To a place where we'll be safe. La luce che tu dai I pray we'll find your light Nel cuore resterà And hold it in our hearts A ricordarci che When stars go out each night L'eterna stella sei Nella mia preghiera Let this be our prayer Quanta fede c'è When shadows fill our day Lead us to a place Guide us with your grace Give us faith so we'll be safe Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino Simbolo di pace e di fraternità La forza che ci dia We ask that life be kind È il desiderio che And watch us from above Ognuno trovi amor We hope each soul will find Intorno e dentro a sè Another soul to love Let this be our prayer Let this be our prayer Just like every child Just like every child Need to find a place, guide us with your grace Give us faith so we'll be safe E la fede che July 03 Hold onI wonder through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies And I stood at a distance To feel who you are Hiding myself in your eyes And hold on before it's too late We'll run til we leave this behind Don't fall just be who you are It's all that we need in our lives And the risk that might break you Is the one that would save A life you dont live is still lost So stand on the edge with me Hold back your fear and see Nothing is real til it's gone Hold on before its too late We'll run til we leave this behind Don't fall just be who you are It's all that we need in our lives So live like you mean it Love til you feel it It's all that we need in our lives So stand on the edge with me Hold back your fear and see Nothing is real til it's gone And hold on before its too late We'll run til we leave this behind Don't fall just be who you are It's all that we need in our lives And hold on before its too late We'll run til we leave this behind Don't fall just be who you are It's all that we need in our lives It's all that we need in our lives It's all that I need in my life goo goo dolls - before it's too late June 26 Bring her back to himi think i just watched something that had potential to make me cry. : ) Wonderfalls is truly a great great great show. i now don't understand why shows like SATC have priority over these ones. What's with satc anyway? mr big is UGALLLALLLY, and well rich, and carrie bradshaw is not even hot, but i like SJP BUT wonderfalls is witty, clever poignant, and lovable.
So, i was just watching this episode with a wayward nun, and how this father (priest) tries to come after her. And somehow, the father through a series of events realises that he has a daughter before he'd ever known because he just left he woman he was with to become a priest. And. theyare now reunited by the talking figurines who talks to our heroine of the show. The scene where he meets hisdaughter ... is... just.
somehow, i feel that God. You are trying totalk to mesomewhere, somehow. ...... and...am i receiving the radar? what do you wantme to do? i think i am ready to do something crazy. June 24 Your life, little girl, is an empty page that men will want to write onoooooh i have just fallen in love!
With cary grant, and and ah, gary cooper, james stewart and charlton heston, oh oh and who could miss out christopher plummer * * starry-eyed.
And of cos, the dresses of grace kelly, deborah kerr, katherine hepburn and julie andrews! * * double starry eyed * *
i have fallen in love with men in smart suits, and women in glorious dresses, and everything had style and taste
sigh they do make dresses and men differently then...
charmaine carr in the prettiest dress from the sound of music
cary grant and deborah kerr in dream wife
grace kelly! :) bing cosby... who sings well! hahaha June 14 Faith is a big dealToday i read something, faith respects God and God respects Faith, it inspired me, and it is amazingly true.
i am in a state now when my heart feels really heavy. i have no idea why, but i think it has to do with somethings in my life God's bringing me to, to challenge and grow. It's also the course as well, i feel like recently, i have become a person with no voice, no opinions whatsover, because i have been so scared to have one, or to be sure of myself in many areas of my life. perhaps because of my men pleasing tendencies, my fear of men, my desire to please people, it used to be so natural to have a mask around my soul, but lately it gets heavier and heavier, i can't convince myself enough of this way of thinking and this way of life, like i used to. In my school, my workplace, my own house, i realised, i have been willing to sacrifice my own voice in many ways because i feared what men think. Ultimately, it's time now to let go. Perhaps we are all guilty of living with masks on, perhaps we often think others might not like to hear this or that, other people would want this and that, but how often are
we really accurate about such things? The setbacks of being too 'considerate' is that we might end up too patronising, fake, and hypocritical.
in some areas of my life, i am amazingly real, in others, i am such a two faced creature. my heart shields itself with a mask to protect itself from any form of rejection, criticism, confrontation. Now that i know, it all comes clean. And not at the state where i am full formed in the spirit, it's pure agony to be here- not here not there sometimes. have we forgotten that living for ourselves is important as well? that line to draw between laying down one's life and pure stupidity is fine. i find myself treading the insecurities of such conflicts all the time. How many times, have i thought i would be myself, express all that is within myself only to postpone it for another time when i feel brave enough. And therefore i am content to forfeit my freedom.
perhaps it's also the stress of this workload, postgraduate sucks. :( perhaps it's also many stones left unturned. All i know is that i need. a break. a true break where i can do nothing cept drive out into the wilderness and stare into His soul for a while.
Audite me, qui scitis justum,
populus meus, lex mea in corde eorum: nolite timere opprobrium hominum, et blasphemias eorum ne metuatis: sicut enim vestimentum, sic comedet eos vermis, et sicut lanam, sic devorabit eos tinea: salus autem mea in sempiternum erit, et justitia mea in generationes generationum. Consurge, consurge, induere fortitudinem, brachium Domini! consurge sicut in diebus antiquis, in generationibus sæculorum. Numquid non tu percussisti superbum, vulnerasti draconem? numquid non tu siccasti mare, aquam abyssi vehementis; qui posuisti profundum maris viam, ut transirent liberati? Et nunc qui redempti sunt a Domino, revertentur, et venient in Sion laudantes, et lætitia sempiterna super capita eorum: gaudium et lætitiam tenebunt; fugiet dolor et gemitus. Ego, ego ipse consolabor vos. Quis tu, ut timeres ab homine mortali, et a filio hominis qui quasi fœnum ita arescet? Et oblitus es Domini, factoris tui, qui tetendit cælos et fundavit terram; et formidasti jugiter tota die a facie furoris ejus qui te tribulabat, et paraverat ad perdendum. Ubi nunc est furor tribulantis? June 06 My favourite story in the bibleThere was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphaite form the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives, one was caled Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children but Hannah had none.
Year after year, this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli were priests of the Lord. Whenever the day came for Elkanah to scarifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah, he gave a double portion because he loved her and the Lord had closed her womb. And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the houe of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? why don't you eat? And why is your heart grieved, don't I mean more to you than ten sons?'
So Hannah arose after they had finishe deating and drinking in Shiloh. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat by the doorpost of the tabernacle of the Lord. And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish. Then she made a vow and said, 'O Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the afflcition of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant but will give Your maidservant a male child, then i will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall come upon his head.
And it happened as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli watched her mouth. Now Hannah spoke in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli thought she was drunk. So Eli said to her, 'How long will you be drunk? Put your wine away from you!' But Hannah answered and said, "No my lord, i am a woman of sorrowful spriit. I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, but have poured out my soul before the Lord. do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman, for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief i have spoken until now."
Then Eli answered and said, Go in peace, and the God of Israle grant your petition which you have asked of Him.
And she said, Let your maidservant find favour in your sight. so the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.
Then they rose early in the morning and worshipped before the Lord, and returned and came to their house at Rmah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So it came to pass n the process of time, that Hannah conceived and bore a son and called his name Samuel, saying Because i have asked for him from the Lord.
Now the man Elkanah and all his house went up to offer to the Lord the yearly sacrifice and his vow. But Hannah did not go up, for she said to her husband, Not until the child is weaned, then i will take him that he may appear before the Lord and remain there forever.
So Elkanah her husband and said to her, 'Do what seems best to you wait until you have weaned Him, Only let the Lord establish His word. Then the woman stayed and nursed her son until she had weaned him.'
Now when she had weaned him
she took him up with her
with three bulls and a skin of wine and brought him to the house of the Lord in Shiloh.
And the child was young. Then they slaughtered a bull, and brought the child to eli. And she said, O my Lord! As your soul lives, my lord, i am the woman who stood by you here, praying to the Lord. For thsi child i prayed and the Lord has granted me my petition which i asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the Lord, as long as he lives, he shall be lent to the Lord. So they worshipped the Lord there.
I love this story about Hannah and Samuel, in so many ways, it reminds me of God and Jesus. we always think that God gave Abraham a terrible mission and one that paints Him in a diabolical light, we read about Hannah, and we think, how tough to sacrifice this special son to God, to give him to God for service all his life. But in truth, it's God who's given more than anyone of us. While he offered a lamb for Issac, more sons and daughters for Hannah, He gave his only son Jesus on the cross, a sacrfice to us without complaint, and no holding back. More so than this, this story about the little boy's birth and consecration, strikes a chord deep in my heart, it must have been tough for Hannah to make such a choice, who amongst us have tried to make such a vow but failed terribly in keeping it. What is most precious in our hearts that we have wanted to give God, and yet we struggle so hard, because more than anything, it's hard to let God take over the void in our hearts, without faith, without courage, it's impossible. Sometimes i wonder why is Jesus so special, and the deeper i walk, he's not so special, he's normal flesh and blood, if he were with us mankind, we won't give him a second glance, because he's so normal, and perhaps plain. But to God, he's a gem, because he's perfect in his eyes, he's God's glory revealed, love incarnate, faith fleshed out, he's everything our heavenly father loves and cherishes. What do i have that is perfect in my eyes, loved and cherished that i can give away? what do you have? :) perhaps, it won't be a second before you answer this, or maybe you need some time to come up with an answer. Eventually, there's bound to be something, and if you need God to tell you what He loves and cherishes from Yourself, it's simply - you. :)
Now what has become of Samuel? It was said he ministered to the Lord before Eli the priest. and as he ministered before the Lord, even as a child, wearing a linen ephod that his mother used to make him - a little robe and brought it to him year after year when she came up with her husband to offer the yearly sacrifice, he eventually heard God's voice in days when the word of the Lord was rare with no widespread revelation. Do you feel what i feel? the beauty of simple purity, in a little life consecrated to God, knowing His ways as a child. May we all be hannahs and samuels in this lifetime. May 28 Thank God You're hereTis almost the end of my course soon. And they sent me a letter telling me that they are sorry they overcharged me for the semester and i only need to pay 5000 in the second one. It got me well, kinda, resigned to the fact that this course is nothing but a meat machine. And if they are putting their master teachers through a meat machine, then what are they even thinking of for the students? Whatever, i am tired, to the core. I have had no time for the past weeks except for the easter break to really catch up with anyone, to do anything that is even 'fun' for me. My soccerball sits in the living room alone, cept for the times, guys visiting in the house kick it around. My workload is not over yet, there's still 2 weeks to go for teaching, and life's really. not fun anymore. Today i caught myself while checking me out in the miror thinking, 'urhg's my hair's bad, and the outfit's kinda blah but who cares, i am too frazzled to care!' and then 'oh dear, am i turning into a frumpy, tired, you know one of those teachers?' But yeah, who cares anyway? Besides that i've only seen so few friends since i came back. Which makes me feel really in touch with the world. And. yes, that's about it. I can't wait for the holidays, BUt i can't even imagine, there's still one more semester of this. Oh Lord, save me!!!
But i still love the kiddies, and how sweet they are. That's really kinda it. God, how can life change 360 degrees from one year to another. Sigh. |
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